Remus Reflects
by white owl2
Summary: After Sirius's death Remus reflects on his relationship with his best friend, his life, and how Harry will survive without his Godfather. Please RR. OOTP Spoilers!


Author's Note: I know, I have to many irons in the fire. I just wanted to write this though. Please let me know what you think about it.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am Poor. I don't write well like JKR.  
  
The One and Only Chapter  
  
Remus Lupin lay sprawled on his bed reading. At least he pretended to read. He couldn't concentrate, not since Sirius had slipped through the veil. It had nearly ended Remus's world too. He wished that he could follow. If only he could slip into the Department of Mysteries and find that very same veil. He'd glide right through. It didn't matter what he found on the other side. It was better than life as he currently knew it.  
  
How could he think that way?! Life went on, he just had to figure out how to live it. There was something to live for he was sure. There was the order at least. He could help them. Although, lately he had been only a hindrance. He couldn't concentrate well enough to complete missions that were assigned to him and on the last one he had nearly gotten Tonks blown up. Albus tried to reassure Remus that it wasn't his fault.  
  
"Tonks wasn't paying enough attention either my dear boy." He had told Remus when they had arrived back to the Order headquarters with Tonks's clothes rather singed.  
  
Maybe there was Harry to live for. Yes, that was it! Remus sat up, pushing the book aside, he rubbed his tired eyes. Harry needed someone. The boy had been falling apart for years. He was like the walls of a castle. He grew worn with time and experience but began to crumble as people, his support system, like pillars, were torn away. He would collapse when there was no one to hold him up.  
  
He was like James in that he could appear strong in front of everyone. He could pull himself along, slowly, inch by inch, but all the while crying inside. He was never as strong as he appeared on the outside. Like James, Harry required a lot of guidance and an understanding ear. He couldn't do it alone.  
  
Where Lily was full of wisdom, Harry possessed only knowledge gleaned from his experiences. He was lucky but he didn't carry the wisdom sometimes born within a child. His wisdom would be gained through many years of trials and sacrifices.  
  
Hagrid had taught the boy to laugh and to love animals. He had been a friend, and a source of information which sometimes got the boy into trouble.  
  
Severus, though the man was mostly intolerable to Remus, had taught Harry discipline. He had taught him of the anger and rage that sometimes ruled the world. He had shown him the power the Dark Lord would use to destroy. He had helped him to understand that power was real.  
  
Albus had used the boy as a pawn for so many years. The war against Voldemort was like a chess board and Harry was not the King. He could move only forward, when directed, like a pawn. Albus acted out of kindness and out of wisdom but it did not help the boy. He was concerned with Harry out of caring, but mostly out of necessity, and that was as far as it went. The war would be won or lost by the hand of the boy, and someone had to guide that hand. It might as well be Albus, Remus thought.  
  
The patchwork of the quilt Remus laid upon reminded him of a puzzle. Each piece had been sewn to the next with care. Sewn by hand, his grandmother's hand. Things were different in her time. Love went into every stitch, every step, every day. Remus missed her and her kindness. He had seen something similar in Sirius. The man had been like a brother to him. Such a simple phrase that meant so much really. Sirius hadn't been just a brother, he had been part of Remus's pack. They had been one family. One thought. One story. The nights they had spent together during the full moons at Hogwarts had been more then friends playing in the night air. They were a time of bonding. Remus knew, as he laid in the still of the afternoon, not wanting to rise or speak, that he would never have a friend so special to him as Sirius had been.  
  
The man had risked his life to protect Harry. His mission was to serve the order. His goal, to stop the dark lord. It was perhaps more than he bargained for. Or, it could be thought or said that he didn't care. Didn't care how his end came or where. It might have mattered only that he died for a good cause.  
  
He had been a father to Harry and a friend. He was the one the boy would always turn too. It was nearly impossible to keep him in hiding if he knew Harry was in trouble or just missing his godfather. The bond they had shared was a special one. It had been severed by death's blade and could thrive no more. It would now be a thing of dreams, a ghost of memory from behind a veil. The poor boy. He had no one.  
  
Everyone had grieved in their own way. There had not been a large memorial ceremony. No feast to celebrate his life. No golden plates laden with fine culinary delights. No tears by a graveside. There was no headstone. The grave was hidden, simple, and entirely unmarked. After all, he had been a criminal. It wasn't safe to demonstrate that he had been found, killed, or in contact with any of the order members. It amazed Remus that the death eaters had never mentioned any of it to the ministry. But then, they didn't want to divulge their names. They wanted to slip away into the completeness of the darkness that surrounded the dark lord.  
  
His grieving continued even now. When he ate he considered how Sirius could not. When he read he wondered if Sirius had read the same book. When he walked about outside, taking in the air of summer and all its beauty too, he realized that Sirius would no longer tread here. His footprints would now be those invisible marks set down by ghosts. When Remus spoke he wondered what Sirius would say. When he thought of love he reasoned that Sirius could still feel love wherever he was. Every time he thought his thoughts strayed to Sirius. No man could ever have a better friend. How could he have believed Sirius was a murderer all of those years. They had been too many long years and he regretted all of them now.  
  
Perhaps it was Harry Remus would live for now. It was hard to live for himself. He supposed he could live for Sirius who wouldn't want him to pass through the veil just yet. There was life here before him. He had to live it. He must live even if it were for no one. Somedays he couldn't see the sense of going on with life. What would be lost to the world if one werewolf passed away? He wasn't sure.  
  
He slid off the bed. He would write to Harry, someone had to.  
  
A/N: This probably sucks but please review it anyway. Also you can read my two other fics Owl Eyes and HP and the Summer of Ghosts or go read the fic All Things in Time which I'm writing with a friend under the pen name Lyssanne/White Owl. Thanks for reading! 


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